The Joy of the English Language
February 26th, 2009
The quotes below are taken from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. These are actually outtakes of conversations had in court proceedings, taken down word for word by court reporters.


___________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t
know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett’in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
___________ __________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.



From: http://www.kwintessential.co.uk/cross-cultural/intercultural-communication-translation-news/

mood: amused

"The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"

lol. this is a bit overboard but the general idea is good. Where has common sense gone??Why do we need to be treated like children? like OBVIOUSLY an iron will be hot and therefore there is a risk of being burnt. DUH!!!!


"Do not put statements in the negative form. And don't start sentences with a conjunction. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague."

I simply love this one XD XD


"Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are unconcerned by the dismal state of their education, or the fact that their fanfiction is raping the English language. If you're part of the five percent of fanfiction writers/readers who do care about such things, cut and paste this, and then leave reviews for those poor souls who know not what they do."

OMG SOOOOOO true!!!!! i am one of those people who cannot abide things like using "do" instead of "due" etc, as well as things like using one word in every piece of writing eg, when cerulean became the next best thing since sliced bread. I mean, please, use a thesaurus at least!!!


lol, i found these on someone's profile and i thought, "BRILLIANT!"

mood: cynical

XD I was bored...so i did a sketch.

The shading is all wrong, and some of the lines are too heavy but you know, i'm too lazy to fix that up :)

( Here is Ginko from the anime Mushishi )

Have some proverbs:

Avoir un chat dans la gorge.
Idiomatic translation: To have a frog in the throat.
Literal translation: To have a cat in the throat.

C'est en forgeant qu'on devient forgeron.
Literal meaning: By dint of forging one becomes a blacksmith.
Idiomatic translation: Practice makes perfect.

lol. what the..?


Ce n'est pas aux vieux singes qu'on apprend à faire des grimaces.
Idiomatic translation: You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Literal meaning: You can't teach old monkeys how to make faces.


Ce que femme veut, Dieu le veut.
Idiomatic translation: A woman's will is God's will.
Literal translation: That which a woman wishes, God wishes.

Ah! This is gold :)


Chantez à l'âne, il vous fera des pets.
Literal translation: Sing to a donkey, he will fart to you.
Idiomatic translation: Hold food in your hand, and the dog will bite it.

LOL!!! This is my favourite. XD

mood: bouncy

OMG MY DAD IS STINGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, gr. I was getting my laptop for my 18th birthday late because i had to save up so i could pay for anything extra over the amount my dad said he'd pay for it. So then he gets all funny about money, almost insisting i pay him in cash as if i'm going to, obviously, rip him off</sarcasm>. So then while i'm on the secure bank website with all my account details and money info on the screen he's standing behind me making sure i pay him. So i transfer it straightaway. Then, today, i realised that i was only supposed to pay 50-270 dollars (depending on how much he was willing to give me) but he made me pay him 580 dollars. and i only had 591 dollars in any and all my accounts at the time, so he left me with 11 dollars to my name, 10 of which i spent on petrol because his house is an hour and a half from mine when i drive. so now i only have a dollar in the entire world, i won't get paid from work for another week because they only pay me fortnightly, i have to pay rent, i have almost no petrol in my car which i use to drive to work, and i won't be able to do anything for a while because i have no money.

and the laptop was supposed to be a PRESENT you know, something given with GOOD WILL and something to be nice about, not making sure your struggling part-timer 18 yr old daughter pays you what you really should have been nice about and paid yourself in the first place. STINGY! and mean. stupid old man. making me feel like crap because i want to have my present, which he wouldn't have organised if i didn't chase it up.


lol. on a side note, the French are awesome. Here's a French proverb for you:

French - Impossible n'est pas français.
English - There is no such word as "can't."
Literally - Impossible isn't French.

mood: aggravated

http://community.livejournal.com/we_love_you_anj/profile

Pimp this far and wide, everyone.

I didn't know her personally but always admired her talent and her efforts. Hoping her family and friends are alright!

D:

mood: in shock

lol. I am reading a fic and this sentence caught my eye.

"Robed wizards and witches hurried between shops that lined the streets."

I mean really. Of course they're robed! I wouldn't like to see derobed wizards and witches hurrying.

location: at my comp mood: highly amused

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?

2) What was your dream growing up?

3) What talent do you wish you had?

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

5) Favorite vegetable?

6) What was the last book you read?

7) What zodiac sign are you?

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.

9) Worst Habit?

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?

11) What is your favorite sport?

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.

16) Do you have any pets?

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

18) What was your first impression of me?

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

22) What color eyes do you have?

23) Ever been arrested?

24) Bottle or can soda?

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?

28) Do you believe in ghosts?

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

30) Do you swear a lot?

31) Biggest pet peeve?

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?

35) Do you believe in God?

mood: bored

Author: ur_a_funny_1 (me!)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Title: Here comes the sun
Characters/Pairing: Harry/slight HarryxGinny
Rating: G
Category: mild angst
Summary: Harry couldn't sleep
A/N: Meant to be a missing scene after the events of DH but before the epilogue. OOC maybe?? Please be nice. I'm not a writer. I beta, okay? So this is just a random one-shot done to assuage my boredom! Concrit is very welcome, but no flaming please!



( Part 1/2 )






***~~~***~~~***






( Part 2/2 )

Author: ur_a_funny_1 (me!)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Title: Here comes the sun
Pairing/Characters: none/Harry
Rating: G
Category: mild angst
Summary: Harry couldn't sleep
A/N: Meant to be a missing scene after the events of DH but before the epilogue. OOC maybe?? Please be nice. I'm not a writer. I beta, okay? So this is just a random one-shot done to assuage my boredom! Concrit is very welcome, but no flaming please!


( Part 1/2 )

location: at my comp mood: awake music: Frou Frou - Let Go

I would just like to announce that I HAVE FINISHED MY HSC!!!!!!!!!. I can't believe it's finally over. It's really exciting and liberating but at the same time sad. No more school is a good and bad thing for me. It's the social i'm going to miss. No way will i miss studying King Lear. Guh!
Thank God it's over though. No more last minute cramming where there's always something more i could have memorised. No more stupid quotes!! OMG this feeling of having nothing to do is really really good. Ah! XD XD XD

location: home mood: relieved & accomplished XD music: Fallout Boy - Sugar We're Going Down

omg i am not looking forward to school coming back being in year 12 and all. it's gonna be hard!!!
*sob*

everyone from last yr's yr 12 told me to use the holidays to get all my notes done for my exams but me being me i just lazed about on the internet all day and have become so far behind what i should have dne. lol. but yeah. that's life.

YAY! i am finally organising to go to france next year!! i am going to go in August and stay for 5-6 months and that means i will be there for a winter chistmas!!!!! yay!! i am so sick of the hot christmases we have here. i can't handle the heat as well as i can te cold (which is a bit ironic seing as i live in aus lol). but yeah.

so much fun.

at least my school has more holidays at the ned of the terms than other people muahahahahaha! yay for private schools!!!

well i should really get off my bum and stop procrastinating...

mood: blah

yes well. shut up. my life is exciting.

but OMG! i have sooooooo much work to do for all my subjects. lol. i am such a slack ass as to not do any homework at home unless it's due soon and only do it in my frees. i have 21 now, but still. lots of work!!

but yes. i am going to the Mozart top 100 thingy tonight. it'll be cool to see which is australia's favourtie mozart piece...

but yes, enough about my nerdiness...

i should do some work now....

well, i am not in the most dandy of moods but i am having my trial shift to work at video ezy this sunday and i hope i get the job. i really want the money! then i can buy a multimedia player (not the ones that only play mp3 tho).
but yeah....i am sinking under all my homework!! i shouldn't have taken 13 units!!! argh! and it's weird being the yr 12s. it's weird being the old people who 'know everything' lol.
but yeah. it's good in a way. i think that yr 11 and 12 are the least boring out of all the yrs. at least you actually don't have to do geography if you don't want to!!! yay for choosing your own subjects! *does a jig*

mood: drained

i am in the library at school right now doing a stupid viva voce on the planets by holst. OMG mars is a damn hard piece to study. lol. but then it's easy in other ways...

but yes, anyway. i should stop procrastinating.....

XD :)

i have totally forgotten about LJ!!! i haven't written in it for a thousand years!!! lol.
but yeah. i can't wait til the holidays!!!! ah, but then i don't want to be closer to being in year 12...
scary. we had this presentation thingy where we got officially promoted to prefects and we got our yr 12 ties. lol, everyone in my year is such a pov pig. when the food came out everyone rushed to it and quickly consumed all of it. then when the cake came out it was difficult to breathe near it. lol.

but yeah. i am really annoyed right now because i'm getting out of practice with flute coz my teacher is in hospital and i haven't had a lesson in a couple of weeks. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well anyway...fascinating.

location: home - feeling sick mood: indifferent

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this time i am not doing surveys!!!!!

that must be some kind of record!!!

i am just so glad that it is the holidays and i can relax now.

well i better go. bye!